Grandma

My grandmother from the US called me today with and the first thing she asked me was a very uncomfortable question:

“Do you have a girlfriend now?”

And because I just broke up with my decade-old relationship, I immediately answered her with the truth.

“I just broke up with someone.”

“Great!” she sounded ecstatic. “I know someone here in the states. She is Filipino and she is not married, and looking for a husband. How old are you now again?”

“I’m 27.”

“She is older than you.” She snapped. Then there was an awkward silence. I think the long pause was due to the possibility that this woman was actually a lot older than me. Like 10 years older or something like that. “But this is your chance!” she continued.

“Chance for?” I was confused. Is she doing what I think she’s doing?

“To get here in the States! I’ll give you my PO Box, then you send me a snail mail with your picture and your mailing address. And if you guys like each other, I can bring her back to Cebu and you can come home to meet her personally.”

“Okay.” Was the first thing that popped in my mind. I was not about to come out to my grandmother who is 80 years old and desperately trying to fix our lives which she thinks will remain broken unless we get rid of our Filipino citizenship.

“I’ve spoken to your mom and dad. They are okay with it. So go get a pen and get my address.”

And so I wrote her address and promised her to send a mail with my picture. Seriously, people still use snail mails for personal messages? It was inconvenient. Worst, it was something that I didn’t want to go through.

I am confident in my sexuality that I will never be sexually attracted to women. I’m a straight gay, and if I have to have sex with women, I will. But only if it is a matter of life and death. Or getting rid of my citizenship.

So what’s my plan? For practical reasons, and since I’m tired of Dubai, I’m going to try and woo that girl to like me. And when she does, I’m going to marry her, buy Viagra and sleep with her every night for 3 months. Then make a baby. Then break her heart by telling her that I’m gay. If she accepts me, then we go on living together and pretend that we are happy. If not, then I expect her to file a divorce.

The perks of being single eh?

I am so enjoying the availability of freedom to do what you want to do. If I was stuck in a relationship now, it would have been impossible to do this. Especially the one that I just broke up with. We lived like a married couple!

Going back to my story, I’m trying to find a full body picture to send to my grandmother and hopefully that lady will like how I look. And hopefully too, she wouldn’t look like an ogre.

Then maybe it will be smooth sailing for me to play straight.

And these are the things that randomly happen to my life as a Dubai Discreet Dude.

I’m so psyched that I’m writing from my brain right now. A 60-wpm on the keyboard is so useful when you have so much to say.