Body Combat

I've been obsessed with Body Combat lately. Infact, I like it so much that I can do it every day.

I recently enrolled in Fitness First Dubai in Burjuman and finally took charge of my cigarette-smoking body and to at least sweat out the excessive calories that I take everyday.

Body Combat is so cool. It's a group exercise that combines punching and kicking to create an intense exercise and workout. It's awesome!

I couldn't help but notice a few gay guys that flock in the session. Most of them Filipinos. I know some of them by face, since they are facebook friends of some of my friends. But I never really had the guts to talk to them.

I usually go with a friend who lingers the place until 11pm (closing time) since I think he doesn't have a life. I think he stays to shower for thirty minutes, sit in the steam room for an hour and make his hair for another hour. I, on the other hand, just take a shower and go home or see my friends for a quick dinner or coffee.

The Body Combat session is usually one hour, and I pair it up with another one-hour session of Body Pump (which involves group weight lifting) which adds up to two hours of intense work out everyday. But of course I only go four times a week.

So back to the gay guys that I see inside the session, I am pretty surprised that most of them can really throw a fist in the air. Even more convincing than the real-life straight guys that are also in the group.

One of them, I'm totally psyched about, is this Chinese-looking guy who attends the session with no fail, and who kicks and punches like Rocky Balboa. I swear to God that if I was single, I’d give him the look and the wink.

So try Body Combat! You'll be surprised with how much you'll love it. The Dubai Discreet Dude does.

Break-ups

A breakup is definitely not one of the easiest things in the world. You have to go through loneliness, quickly skip love songs playing on your Ipod, watch TV by yourself, go shopping by yourself, cook by yourself, smoke alone and eat alone.

Eating alone is a struggle for me. Eating with my ex was one of the most pleasurable things on earth. We did not run out of things to talk about and we both shared the fondness to Thai and spicy food.

But after a few days from my breakup, I met Michael. No, we are not a couple yet. He is more like a companion for the sad days that I’m trying to go through. He works for an airline company, and has plenty of time in his hands. He is very generous too, made sure that I got a teddy bear and a rose during valentines (didn’t like being treated like a girl but I managed to quickly sneak the bear and the rose inside my room without anyone noticing) and took me out to a very romantic dinner last February 15.

Now the dinner was the most embarrassing part. I didn’t know that he pre-arranged a table in a restaurant the night before valentines. He told the restaurant manager that he didn’t want us to go through the buffet table and wants the food taken to us on a serving plate. He also requested that we be seated away from the rest of the customers, flowers, a candle and a heart shaped cake for dessert. It was everything a girl could ask for. If only I was a girl. And if only it wasn’t embarrassing since the waiter kept staring at us in a funny way. We just kept talking, and I constantly berated how shock I am and uncomfortable every time the waiter comes back. I would blurt out “What the fuck!? this feels like a date?!” Michael would just smile like he didn’t care what other people thought of it.

He is very flattering. He literally begged that I start saying I love you back to him and says that I am everything that he could ask for. But seriously, I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP FOR THE NEXT TWO DECADES OF MY LIFE.

But of course that is only an exaggeration. According to a movie I watched recently, there should be a three-month interval before you engage in another relationship after a breakup. I plan to follow that. Maybe it has got its psychological reasons why this timeframe was invented.

So I think Michael will play a big part in my recovery back to singlehood. I’m also seeing another guy right now, but he is in another relationship and just wants hang out and kiss. Hell, I’m okay with that. But he’s recently been giving me the “I miss you”s and “I wish I was with you instead”’s during our phone conversations. I’m kind’ a thrilled since he is really the type of guy you want to bring home to your parents, but at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’ll go through in a relationship with him if and when he gets rid of his boyfriend.

Oh fuck it. I’m just enjoying my life right now.

So much has been happening, and things have been going well I don’t want to ruin it.

A breakup is definitely not one of the easiest things in the world. But then again, I met all these wonderful people and I feel like I’ve succeeded in my plan of trying out the different chocolates in the box, before I finally close it.

Grandma

My grandmother from the US called me today with and the first thing she asked me was a very uncomfortable question:

“Do you have a girlfriend now?”

And because I just broke up with my decade-old relationship, I immediately answered her with the truth.

“I just broke up with someone.”

“Great!” she sounded ecstatic. “I know someone here in the states. She is Filipino and she is not married, and looking for a husband. How old are you now again?”

“I’m 27.”

“She is older than you.” She snapped. Then there was an awkward silence. I think the long pause was due to the possibility that this woman was actually a lot older than me. Like 10 years older or something like that. “But this is your chance!” she continued.

“Chance for?” I was confused. Is she doing what I think she’s doing?

“To get here in the States! I’ll give you my PO Box, then you send me a snail mail with your picture and your mailing address. And if you guys like each other, I can bring her back to Cebu and you can come home to meet her personally.”

“Okay.” Was the first thing that popped in my mind. I was not about to come out to my grandmother who is 80 years old and desperately trying to fix our lives which she thinks will remain broken unless we get rid of our Filipino citizenship.

“I’ve spoken to your mom and dad. They are okay with it. So go get a pen and get my address.”

And so I wrote her address and promised her to send a mail with my picture. Seriously, people still use snail mails for personal messages? It was inconvenient. Worst, it was something that I didn’t want to go through.

I am confident in my sexuality that I will never be sexually attracted to women. I’m a straight gay, and if I have to have sex with women, I will. But only if it is a matter of life and death. Or getting rid of my citizenship.

So what’s my plan? For practical reasons, and since I’m tired of Dubai, I’m going to try and woo that girl to like me. And when she does, I’m going to marry her, buy Viagra and sleep with her every night for 3 months. Then make a baby. Then break her heart by telling her that I’m gay. If she accepts me, then we go on living together and pretend that we are happy. If not, then I expect her to file a divorce.

The perks of being single eh?

I am so enjoying the availability of freedom to do what you want to do. If I was stuck in a relationship now, it would have been impossible to do this. Especially the one that I just broke up with. We lived like a married couple!

Going back to my story, I’m trying to find a full body picture to send to my grandmother and hopefully that lady will like how I look. And hopefully too, she wouldn’t look like an ogre.

Then maybe it will be smooth sailing for me to play straight.

And these are the things that randomly happen to my life as a Dubai Discreet Dude.

I’m so psyched that I’m writing from my brain right now. A 60-wpm on the keyboard is so useful when you have so much to say.

When relationships turn sour

How many times do you actually go through your 20's and experience being dumped, dumping someone, flirting with someone in a bar, going out with random hot dates, being kissed in the park, feeling butterflies in your stomach, losing sleep, etc?

The answer? Ten years.

When I was 17, I met this wonderful person. We went out on a few dates, slept in the same bed the same month we started dating and we couldn't get enough of each other. It was one of the most exciting years of my life. He was everything to me, and I was, I think, everything for him.

I couldn't enjoy things without him. Our relationship went on for ten years. This year is the tenth. Then we broke up.

Our relationship has turned sour for the past 5 years. I don't want to say that gay relationships are meant to only last that long, but for some weird reason, the spice of our relationship has turned from hot to mild, then to sour. It seems as if we were both seeds trying to grow, but we couldn't because we were stuck under a very stubborn and thick ground. I stopped growing. My personality was dependent on his presence. The relationship started to be very unhealthy.

Our weeknights would comprise of having dinner together then watching our favorite TV shows. There was no longer passion, but we did hug it out in the evening. But it wasn't the same as before. You know you love the person, but you don't feel the same way as you did.

There are moments when I would look at myself in the mirror and notice how fast I'm growing old. How often do you get the chance to enjoy your youth? Am I actually enjoying it now?

At 27, I have lived my life under the advantages and disadvantages of being in a commited and exlusive relationship.

I want to meet people, go somewhere where I dont need to feel unfair because the other one is left behind, feel excited over meeting someone in the mall or waking up happy because it is the weekend and I'm meeting someone I miss.

This might be the biggest decision I've been holding off for the last half-decade of my life.

I'm through being unhappy. I think today, the universe is conspiring to finally set me free.

Walking away

While I was on vacation in Cebu, my parents threw a party for me the very day that I arrived. All my relatives were there, a few of my college friends and some family friends.

At about 10pm, a group of 40-something year old men who I think were my dad's friends got really noisy. Must be the Tanduay that they've been drinking since 5pm that afternoon. Hell, they even looked drunk when I arrived at 7pm that night.

While I was on my way out, they stopped me and gave me a drink. And because I drink anything that has alcohol on it, I gulped the glass of Tanduay and sprite in one go and sat for a while and entertained their questions about Dubai.

"I heard the women there are really desperate for sex!"
"I was told that you can’t look at women in the eye!"
"I heard men get raped.", etc.

Most of their questions were about sex and women which I happily answered. Most of the information they have are obviously exaggerated and incorrect.

And then all of a sudden, I get this question.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Now? No." I answered.

"Why?" one of them asked me with a frown. "You have a good paying job, you're 26 and you're good looking!"

"I don't know. Not my time yet I guess."

"But when are you getting married? Aren’t there any good looking women in Dubai?"

Then I got irritated.

"There are, yeah.." then I stood up. "Hey, I need to go meet some people outside. I'll see you guys later." Then I quickly walked away, not even looking at their reaction.

Walking away is one of the best talents that I have developed for the last 15 years that I can consciously say that I’m different. I'm not ready to officially come out to my parents. At least not yet. There is just so much at stake, and such a big risk of getting the reaction that you don't want if I confirm in their face the doubts that they have.

So I turned away with this thought in my head- "When will I stop walking away from those questions? When will be the right time to cut off questions like that by telling them the truth about me?"

I obviously don't want to get married. I'm currently going out with someone now that I love so much and it’s a shame that I can't marry him with all my friends and family tagged along.

Society has placed people like me in an invisible cell. One that has no walls and no chains, but with so much fear that makes you want to just walk away when you get to the borders of admitting the real you.

I do want to have kids one day. Every time I look at my high school friends' facebook and see their pictures with their child make me feel like I’m obviously missing something out. I think, longing for an offspring is one of most challenging stages of an adult person who isn't married yet.

This very moment will mark the day that I acknowledge that running away will not work forever. If I'm able to write about it, then I'm able to say it to my parents face. And to anyone’s face.


I'm ready to come out.

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