Walking away

While I was on vacation in Cebu, my parents threw a party for me the very day that I arrived. All my relatives were there, a few of my college friends and some family friends.

At about 10pm, a group of 40-something year old men who I think were my dad's friends got really noisy. Must be the Tanduay that they've been drinking since 5pm that afternoon. Hell, they even looked drunk when I arrived at 7pm that night.

While I was on my way out, they stopped me and gave me a drink. And because I drink anything that has alcohol on it, I gulped the glass of Tanduay and sprite in one go and sat for a while and entertained their questions about Dubai.

"I heard the women there are really desperate for sex!"
"I was told that you can’t look at women in the eye!"
"I heard men get raped.", etc.

Most of their questions were about sex and women which I happily answered. Most of the information they have are obviously exaggerated and incorrect.

And then all of a sudden, I get this question.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Now? No." I answered.

"Why?" one of them asked me with a frown. "You have a good paying job, you're 26 and you're good looking!"

"I don't know. Not my time yet I guess."

"But when are you getting married? Aren’t there any good looking women in Dubai?"

Then I got irritated.

"There are, yeah.." then I stood up. "Hey, I need to go meet some people outside. I'll see you guys later." Then I quickly walked away, not even looking at their reaction.

Walking away is one of the best talents that I have developed for the last 15 years that I can consciously say that I’m different. I'm not ready to officially come out to my parents. At least not yet. There is just so much at stake, and such a big risk of getting the reaction that you don't want if I confirm in their face the doubts that they have.

So I turned away with this thought in my head- "When will I stop walking away from those questions? When will be the right time to cut off questions like that by telling them the truth about me?"

I obviously don't want to get married. I'm currently going out with someone now that I love so much and it’s a shame that I can't marry him with all my friends and family tagged along.

Society has placed people like me in an invisible cell. One that has no walls and no chains, but with so much fear that makes you want to just walk away when you get to the borders of admitting the real you.

I do want to have kids one day. Every time I look at my high school friends' facebook and see their pictures with their child make me feel like I’m obviously missing something out. I think, longing for an offspring is one of most challenging stages of an adult person who isn't married yet.

This very moment will mark the day that I acknowledge that running away will not work forever. If I'm able to write about it, then I'm able to say it to my parents face. And to anyone’s face.


I'm ready to come out.

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