When relationships turn sour

How many times do you actually go through your 20's and experience being dumped, dumping someone, flirting with someone in a bar, going out with random hot dates, being kissed in the park, feeling butterflies in your stomach, losing sleep, etc?

The answer? Ten years.

When I was 17, I met this wonderful person. We went out on a few dates, slept in the same bed the same month we started dating and we couldn't get enough of each other. It was one of the most exciting years of my life. He was everything to me, and I was, I think, everything for him.

I couldn't enjoy things without him. Our relationship went on for ten years. This year is the tenth. Then we broke up.

Our relationship has turned sour for the past 5 years. I don't want to say that gay relationships are meant to only last that long, but for some weird reason, the spice of our relationship has turned from hot to mild, then to sour. It seems as if we were both seeds trying to grow, but we couldn't because we were stuck under a very stubborn and thick ground. I stopped growing. My personality was dependent on his presence. The relationship started to be very unhealthy.

Our weeknights would comprise of having dinner together then watching our favorite TV shows. There was no longer passion, but we did hug it out in the evening. But it wasn't the same as before. You know you love the person, but you don't feel the same way as you did.

There are moments when I would look at myself in the mirror and notice how fast I'm growing old. How often do you get the chance to enjoy your youth? Am I actually enjoying it now?

At 27, I have lived my life under the advantages and disadvantages of being in a commited and exlusive relationship.

I want to meet people, go somewhere where I dont need to feel unfair because the other one is left behind, feel excited over meeting someone in the mall or waking up happy because it is the weekend and I'm meeting someone I miss.

This might be the biggest decision I've been holding off for the last half-decade of my life.

I'm through being unhappy. I think today, the universe is conspiring to finally set me free.

Walking away

While I was on vacation in Cebu, my parents threw a party for me the very day that I arrived. All my relatives were there, a few of my college friends and some family friends.

At about 10pm, a group of 40-something year old men who I think were my dad's friends got really noisy. Must be the Tanduay that they've been drinking since 5pm that afternoon. Hell, they even looked drunk when I arrived at 7pm that night.

While I was on my way out, they stopped me and gave me a drink. And because I drink anything that has alcohol on it, I gulped the glass of Tanduay and sprite in one go and sat for a while and entertained their questions about Dubai.

"I heard the women there are really desperate for sex!"
"I was told that you can’t look at women in the eye!"
"I heard men get raped.", etc.

Most of their questions were about sex and women which I happily answered. Most of the information they have are obviously exaggerated and incorrect.

And then all of a sudden, I get this question.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Now? No." I answered.

"Why?" one of them asked me with a frown. "You have a good paying job, you're 26 and you're good looking!"

"I don't know. Not my time yet I guess."

"But when are you getting married? Aren’t there any good looking women in Dubai?"

Then I got irritated.

"There are, yeah.." then I stood up. "Hey, I need to go meet some people outside. I'll see you guys later." Then I quickly walked away, not even looking at their reaction.

Walking away is one of the best talents that I have developed for the last 15 years that I can consciously say that I’m different. I'm not ready to officially come out to my parents. At least not yet. There is just so much at stake, and such a big risk of getting the reaction that you don't want if I confirm in their face the doubts that they have.

So I turned away with this thought in my head- "When will I stop walking away from those questions? When will be the right time to cut off questions like that by telling them the truth about me?"

I obviously don't want to get married. I'm currently going out with someone now that I love so much and it’s a shame that I can't marry him with all my friends and family tagged along.

Society has placed people like me in an invisible cell. One that has no walls and no chains, but with so much fear that makes you want to just walk away when you get to the borders of admitting the real you.

I do want to have kids one day. Every time I look at my high school friends' facebook and see their pictures with their child make me feel like I’m obviously missing something out. I think, longing for an offspring is one of most challenging stages of an adult person who isn't married yet.

This very moment will mark the day that I acknowledge that running away will not work forever. If I'm able to write about it, then I'm able to say it to my parents face. And to anyone’s face.


I'm ready to come out.

For feedback: dubaidiscreetdude@gmail.com